Thursday, June 9, 2011

I Don't Feel Alright

So this is the first post after my IB life.And I don't feel alright.It's not about IB,it's not about me,it's not about anything.I just don't know what it's about.Tell me I'm PMS-ing.But that's sheer bollocks.People say blame the hormones.But it got down on me,it's not about all these problems that matters.It's about how I handle all these problems is the point.


I was planning to write this post in Bahasa Melayu,but things just flow in English.And I just wanna write,no matter what language it is in as long as it can shake some senses in this battered body,weary minds of mine.


Been reading Tony Parsons "Man And Boy".It gripped my heart reading his story towards the end of the novel.Reminds me of my Abah so much.One particular chapter detailed the scene at the hospital when Harry's dad was nearing his last breath in 2 or 3 days.And I started to ask myself,what if I was there with him,be there with him instead of staying at college reading books doing stuff that is less important than being with your dad at his last moments?I should be there.But what if that is not what Abah wanted?What if he wanted me to pursue my dream and was once his vision to see me become a doctor.I hope he will be proud of me.He was just a humble owner of another humble diner.


And I'm writing about him.I miss him.I miss listening to his voice because the last time I talked to him was on the phone,2 days before he left for another world.I wonder how my family would be like if he is still around.But he's not here with me,he's not here with us.But his spirit lives with me and with everybody who knows him.I just miss saying to my mom "Kirim salam Abah".I miss it when things go haywire in our family,he just need to raise his voice and  speak as if the world will bend to what he says.And now that he's gone,everything messed up.Fucked up family problem.And all I can do is to listen to my mom daily rantings,the same old things that she brought up.So when this will end?Will IB result put me at ease and put everything at ease?Will Ireland put things in a better order?Will things ever go settled again?I just don't know.


All I have is this blog to write every tiny bits of feeling I feel deep down inside.Tell me I'm fragile,tell me I'm not yet a man to deal with all these problems.But if we never try,will the time ever come?We never know unless we put our hands on it once.


And I am always amazed how song can understand what I feel when most people don't.I just need to endure this agony and grow stronger,shouldn't I?



"Currents" by Dashboard Confessional

The air is visible around you, rising up and off your lips in slow currents
And I watch as your face is framed in its slow currents
Drifting curls a trailing path
A long drag becomes a dress of blue and ash

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
And if it's gotta end then let it end in flames
Let it burn all the way down

The air is visceral around us
Turning in its simple steps on slow currents
and I watch as it pirouettes and spins in slow motion
A long drag becomes a slow dance and a halo of ember

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
And if it's gotta end then let it end in flames
Let it burn all the way down, all the way down

And if this is ever meant to end, then I hope it ends where it began
So hot with love, we burned our hands
If this is ever meant to end, then I hope it ends where it began
So hot with love, it burns our hands

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
And if it's gotta end then let it end in flames
Let it burn, let it burn
If it's gotta end let it burn
If it's gotta end let it burn
It ends where it began, so hot with love, it burns our hands