Sunday, June 26, 2011

IB Result

I bet everybody is tired of waiting.I always dread the days after taking some major examinations.Because it's depressing and I will always disorientate in my own space and fail to believe that I can really make it.

These days,it has been tough for me to sleep and plus,I had been dreaming about my result,yes,my IB result.Well,you know,based on the way that I did the papers,I really doubt it that I can make it.C'mon this is not like SPM.You can still predict an A1 though you think it is suck enough to get a B4.This is time it is completely different.

Frankly,I did not think about IB result for the past one month,and now since it is like less than 2 weeks,I can't help myself but a loudly thumping heart.

I prayed.And now,I can't decide whether this is a sign from Allah or just another play put up by the Satan.

Dream 1
One of my close friends,Syu.She called me, so elated to tell me my result.I was shocked and I saw the slip.May be we skype-d.Then how come I can see the result right.Well,I'm trying to reasoned this dream obviously.And I saw I got 36.That should be enough to allow to enroll in one of the Irish Medical School.And I tried to ask her where the hell she got that and she hung up.I woke up.

Dream 2
This just happened today.I dreamed that I was in my senior's house.And I can see vividly which I happened to recognize from the pictures he uploaded on his Facebook profile.And I saw another senior,S Izuddin.You can follow my senior comments on my post.

Last time,when I asked for Allah guidance regarding my IUMC result,He showed me.This time,I'm not sure if this from Him or from Mr.Satan.
Insyaallah,if my rezeki is there,there's nothing to be worried about.Pray for me too if you happen to read this and I know Allah knows the best for me and for all of us :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Sleep Problem

This is a post I ended up writing on after a much of a struggle to get myself in the dreamland.

It has been awful.Trust me.

Well I am a working man.Since I got 1K in my pocket,pretty much earned it.You know,mom owns a diner,work really hard,yeah,really hard for 50MYR per day.Work routine starts at 6pm.Then I get everything set,cooks are ready,and the customers throng to get their "re-fuel".And also the next thing I know it's already 12 midnight and I started the closing procedure.Usually I come home around 1am.

I shower.You know,long day at work.Sweats and all that not a really good companion for a good night kip.I know,I know it's not healthy.But would you really want to hit the sack with all that smells from the grill?Well,not really for me.And the struggle starts.

I will sit on my bed,get online,blog,Fb,Twitter and whatever that is available on the net,yes,that too,porn.Thank you for reminding me. *guffaw* 

Well I promised to only watch 1 episode of Supernatural then off to bed but 1 became 2 episodes.Then I dim the light, *This is American Idol*,kidding.Well,apparently tonight was my first attempt to sleep in low light intensity condition.Yeah,you got that right buddy,you just won yourself 1 million bucks.I don't feel comfortable to sleep in the dark and I don't like dark places.I tried to get use to sleep in the dark back in college,but things just doesn't feel alright.Am I afraid of the dark?Yes I am.I would wait to step into a dark room until the light is switched on.I am not the type of guy you really want to date with.Trust me.I probably better be born as a girl I guess.Well,moving on.

And you know,staying up late you always need one thing,food.Back in the days I was gearing up for IB exam,I bought loads of foods from the Ko-op.Snacks,peanuts,caffeine,bread you name it and even burger.You never know when that little tummy of yours will start playing that familiar sounds again.

So I,yeah,just ate a box of rice,mom's leftover.She offered me to have some earlier but I refused,might still be repleted by those teh tarik,fried noodles and satay.And hell yeah,I just scoured the kitchen for food.

Because of those aforementioned ramblings,I usually sleep like at this time almost 5am.And the thing I hate about this is,I usually wake up in the afternoon,12 noon for instance,and for some special instance,2pm.That makes a short day light for me.Get something to eat,brunch?No.I call it,late luncheon. Catch some movies or just get back to sleep.And if the weather is too hot, I will just continue watching some TV programs. Scorching hot day,you probably get that tan,but a sweaty body all day?You might wanna get dry a little.

So basically the question is, is it because I have an awful sleep habit or just that I'm scared of the dark?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day To World's Dad

So much at the age of 20. So much and "much" does not seem to quantify everything. We always grow stronger though deep inside it's fragile, but in the end, we're always stronger than before. Love crosses the boundaries of physicality and it penetrates the thickest layer of the make-up personality. Happy Father's Day to all Dads.

"Duet" by Rachael Yamagata and Ray Lamontagne

Oh Lover, hold on 
'till I come back again 
For these arms are growin' tired, 
And my tales are wearing thin 

If you're patient I will surprise, 
When you wake up i'll have come 

All the anger will settle down 
And we'll go do all the things we should have done 

Yes I remember what we said 
As we lay down to bed 
I'll be here if you will only come back home 

Oh lover, i'm lost 
Because the road i've chosen beckens me away 

Oh lover, don't you rome 
Now i'm fighting words I never thought i'd say 

But I remember what we said 
As we lay down to bed 
I'll forgive you oh 
If you just come back home 

Hmmm mmmm 
Hmmmm mmmm 

Oh lover, I'm old 
You'll be out there and be thinking just of me 

And I will find you down the road 
And will return back home to where we're meant to be 

'cause I remember what we said 
As we lay down to bed 
We'll be back soon as we make history.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Of Turning 20

I did not celebrate birthday. The last time I did when I was 4 or 5 years old kiddo. And the years coming birthday just feel like another day.

But I guess turning 20 is not really a big deal, but maybe the realization keeps getting stronger that for every days passing, we keep growing older and this is not a Benjamin Button Case.

Upon arriving to this conclusion, I've counted my blessings. Just too many and too precious it won't come by that often. I'd say so far, I have my very own fantastic life. There are too many things that I have learnt at this age. Bereavement, relationships and about love.

I don't resent having to learn adult lessons at this early age of 20. Somehow I felt that I am blessed to be bestowed with this opportunity. I realized that sometimes in life, you don't always get what you want, sometimes you just have to settle for something less than what you expected but hey, perhaps that's what best for you.

I learnt that in this world, everybody is not the person that you really want to trust. Some might be the meanest back-stabber and some just want to drain benefits from you and dump you in the middle of the road.

At 20, all I want is just to feel alright once again. I just want to feel that there is so much to live for and endless list of unforeseen miracles to be experienced. I just love my life and the people (of course) that has make this journey a worthwhile living records. And I'm gonna treasure all the memories that teach me so much about life and about being an adult.

Well, HAPPY 20TH SEED! Welcome to the 20's club :)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

A Friend Called Papan

I have a friend. I called her Papan. Everybody called her Papan. We were no we are, we were are? okay I'm confused if it still is, close friend. We laugh so hard it aches our stomach, we share stories like any other close friends would do and she even saw me half naked in my boxer with her older sister because we went shopping together. I was used to be close with her family until that one day. We both and we all took a different path in our life. Me heading to KMB and her somewhere in PJ for IIUM.

I remembered she having a problem with her face structure. I and her family even called her senget. And the last time I talked to her was 1 month before IB exam and that was probably the first time after more than 2 years. I'm an awful bastard for neglecting friends. 

Her family owned a beauty spa. It had become a must for me to come and laugh our arse off. But that was then, and after time had separated all of us and most of all, our friendship. And things just go awkward. I'm not sure if I can act like the same old me. Because I grow, you grow, everybody grow. And time definitely has worked on its magic.

It could be anybody's fault and it could be nobody's fault when things like this happens. Sometimes things just occur without us ever having a control over it. But the most crucial thing about this is, I probably was struck afresh with the reality of how things could go differently by just simply giving it time and by being ignorant obstruct by our own clogged judgments in our fantasies.

Regardless of how busy you are, remember, you are just one dial away from your friends. Always keep updated with good old friends because if you don't keep them, you'll always be a stranger in this world.
The ever senget Papan

Tips To Improve English (Speaking and Listening)

So one thing is needed, GUTS.

I remembered when I was a kid, I was so scared, hell-ish one to converse in English because I didn't want to make mistakes. Well I was obviously wrong since a language will only develop when you use it or otherwise it'll be rusty.

I started speaking in English when I was in Standard 3, as what I remembered. Participated for story telling competition. And I met this Chinese girl, she asked me "What costumes are you wearing?" and all I can answer was "Costume tu apa?". Back then, we kids were so naive, we just don't understand the definition of embarrassing, and we have just too much of that word when we grow up, don't we? And since then, I keep doing things just to be as good and not feeling inferior. 

So here, few tips that really works:

    1. SPEAK IT OUT LOUD! This is the only way to give a profound improvements on your speaking
    2. Keep a dictionary with audio aids to help you pronounce the words correctly, unless you're good at phonetics
    3. Listen, watch and read English materials
    4. Think in English
It might make you wonder how I can speak fluent English when in my family there's nobody who could speak the language. Well, I simply talk to the mirror or sometimes myself and the wall. I kid you not. It seems so silly but yet, one of the way that do me a lot of favor. Just do not afraid to make mistakes. In fact when you make mistakes on certain words, distorted meaning for instance,  you will remember it so hard you won't make the same mistakes. 

Pronouncing the words correctly is very essential. For a starter, you don't have to put on any accents, just use English, the standard sound (I mean as in what I hear in Cambridge Advanced Leaner's Dictionary). But I guess this is not really a big problem for us Melayu since our tongue can be twisted so easy to produce the English-ish sound (but I'm not sure about people from Kelantan). My Kelantan friends told me it's hard sometimes for them to get rid of that Kelantan sound because they are used to it. But still, I see many Kelantan people who can speak fluent English,yes minus the Kelate sound lah (guano gini kalo hok ni pung bunyi kelate).

On the same note, despite of the aforementioned point, we need to speak with accent especially for students who studies abroad. Some common comments from the native speaker is that, they hardly understand us. Of course, since they pronounce words a bit differently. So, it's up to you to speak in what ever accents that you are comfortable with. But bear in mind, get the standard before you explore more on accents.

On the other hand, you need to start think in English if you really want to speak fluent English. When I said think, you don't need second to translate Malay to English. The sentence just popped out of your mouth. Maybe this is something that you might want to look for, dreaming in English. When you start having one, you know you are one level better.

Well this is not like I'm telling you Bahasa is of less importance because this is purely for the sake of knowledge. Yeap regarding listening, there's only one useful and common tips, listen to English stuff, songs, movies, news (BBC a good one). Just something to share :)

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Tips To Improve English (Writing)

Well I don't have a perfect English proficiency. I am a learner, so being one will never ever put you on top. I always put myself at the bottom of the ladder. Nonetheless, when it comes to knowledge, we ought to share it regardless of its minimal amount, even for just a letter. So here I am writing a post for my lovely KMB friend and to everybody else who is willing to learn something. Correct me if tell you wrong tips.

To be frank, I came from a family that uses Bahasa ONLY to converse on daily basis. In fact, I am the only child in the house who knows to speak English. This is not to brag but more of a sharing on how a child of owner of a humble diner can also be as good as an English-speaking family.

I'd say in everything we do, we always need that tiny drop of this element, determination. You always need to put your head in it. I'm gonna split these tips on 3 parts, writing, speaking and listening. This really sounds like IELTS (I only got 7 for this, not a good band).

Here we are talking about academic writing and not on creative writing because that is another different chapter.

  1. You need to have a sound grammatical knowledge and good vocabulary
  2. Good vocabulary is achievable through a lot of reading
  3. You can copy sentences that you like and try to use it your writing
  4. To brush up, write and write and write
  5. Keep a good book of new vocab, that will do much help
As a writer myself, I notice that different people have different style of writing. To know what your style is, you need to write in a different kind of situation and definitely that needs to be done consistently. I found my writing style when I was in KMB, struggling to pour ideas on the given essays. Okay now some stories in KMB, I was surrounded with people of great English proficiency. Don't be intimidated, but that's the fact I'm telling you. All you need to do is to rise to their level because they won't come down on your level. Honestly, I don't really like grammar because sometimes when I write, it just feels right and it sounds right. I couldn't answer many questions on grammar.

If you really want to write better, first thing first, the grammar. Then you vary your sentence structure, this will absolutely require time. It is not a one night miracle, poof and everything is there, definitely not. 

On a different note, creative writing. Creativity is a must and if you already grasp this kind of writing, you can always incorporate it in your routine writing.

Well, definitely this is not much that I can share of. Just some lousy and typical tips but it works in reality. One word, determination. And yeah A GOOD DICTIONARY IS A MUST (install one on your laptop)

More in Part 2 (Speaking)

Friday, June 10, 2011

Not A Good PS

Just something to share. Not that good but this had passed quite a few readings from my teacher and my senior.

Happiness, sorrows and surprises, these are fractions in the equation of this extemporaneous life. Undoubtedly, one will encounter obstacles every now and then. Being me is normal, but living with my experience is extraordinary. I lost my father two weeks before I sat for my second semester examination. Undeniably, I was devastated by the news. Reminiscing those tearful moments, the news caused me overwhelming grief that pulled on each and every string in my heart. I cried and I am not ashamed of it, because I am being human. This, is not a typical story of an utter desolation leading to a major fall down, it is a story about a death that made a bright young boy stronger and wiser in pursuing a medical degree.
                With my greatest strength, I managed to put my sadness away and eventually grabbed a spot in the Honor Roll Award despite all the hardships that I was going through. Few years back when my father was hale and hearty, I was selected for the 15th National Children Science Congress in India. He was so proud and trusted me to become the best person that I can be due to my achievements. This program ingrained a strong passion for science in me. I managed to get the exposure to the science community in Asia and broaden my perspective to see the world scientifically. Ergo, I will exploit this passion to pursue this ever-changing medical course so that I can come up with new possibilities of invention through research and development.
                In addition, I believe that one should have their own added-value in themselves. When I was 13 years old, I was blessed with the chance to be involved in a Wind Orchestra ensemble. I started and I never stopped. Up till now, I am capable of skillfully playing the saxophone and timpani. I have been involved in a large number of competitions and performances. Through this activity, my self-esteem was perfectly polished and I learnt an essential element to be a great doctor in the subjectivity of music, cooperation. It is crucial to work in a team to produce the best quality of work. To save a patient in the operation theater is not a one-man show as it requires a group of people to work hand in hand with each other, and I honestly believe that I have cultivated this element deep in me.
                Besides, I did not let my gift of the gab to be in vain. Back then, I was the first speaker for my English Debate Team. I seized the opportunity to further improve and strengthen my soft skills. Standing in front of hundreds of people and being able to speak is not an easy job because it takes guts and great communication skills so that people will actually listen to you. Indubitably, debating gave me a learning platform to voice out my opinion on issues and it provided me with an atmosphere to think critically under high-pressured conditions. So, I enthusiastically endorse that to be an all-rounded medical practitioner, these qualities are a must. I strongly believe that I possess these elements which will assist me to achieve more in the medical field.
On top of that, my desire to pursue medicine is not just about my self-satisfaction and helping others because I can accomplish that in other areas, but I want to empower people around me. I want to give them a glimpse of hope and happiness to live in this harsh world. I want to be able to touch their lives and console them with my words. I want to lead them to the end of the sorrow tunnel and show them there’s always a light that will shine on their lives. And, I want to motivate people with my life experiences so that they do not succumb to adversities. I am aware of the challenges that lay in front of me in pursuing my ambition. Be it easy or difficult, nothing can stop my determination to be what I want in my life. I totally believe that, being a doctor is more than just curing diseases, it’s about changing the world with an ample willingness and dignity. With a soul of giving, loving and caring, I am destined to be a doctor.

We Just Care Too Much

We just care too much,don't you think?We care too much of what people wear,we care too much of what people say,we care too much of what people do,we care too much of what people blog about,we just care too much.But why should we?I don't know.

I'd say I'm a simple person.If you do things not against the syariat,I'd say that is none of my friggin business.But if you're a tad over the top,the least I can do is just to stay away from the sin (but not the sinner) and that's probably my iman is at its lowest.

Honestly,I am easily annoyed with people who just simply care too much.Back in the glorious days of KMB,I tell you,there were like hundreds of CCTV were watching you.And that was when I hit the boiling point.I just couldn't bear with this kind of people.

My rule is,I don't give a damn of what you do and I expect you to return the favor.But that was like a thin hope in the air.So all I can do is to do whatever I do and those annoying comment,I never put it in a good use,because they are not even a constructive one.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I Don't Feel Alright

So this is the first post after my IB life.And I don't feel alright.It's not about IB,it's not about me,it's not about anything.I just don't know what it's about.Tell me I'm PMS-ing.But that's sheer bollocks.People say blame the hormones.But it got down on me,it's not about all these problems that matters.It's about how I handle all these problems is the point.

I was planning to write this post in Bahasa Melayu,but things just flow in English.And I just wanna write,no matter what language it is in as long as it can shake some senses in this battered body,weary minds of mine.

Been reading Tony Parsons "Man And Boy".It gripped my heart reading his story towards the end of the novel.Reminds me of my Abah so much.One particular chapter detailed the scene at the hospital when Harry's dad was nearing his last breath in 2 or 3 days.And I started to ask myself,what if I was there with him,be there with him instead of staying at college reading books doing stuff that is less important than being with your dad at his last moments?I should be there.But what if that is not what Abah wanted?What if he wanted me to pursue my dream and was once his vision to see me become a doctor.I hope he will be proud of me.He was just a humble owner of another humble diner.

And I'm writing about him.I miss him.I miss listening to his voice because the last time I talked to him was on the phone,2 days before he left for another world.I wonder how my family would be like if he is still around.But he's not here with me,he's not here with us.But his spirit lives with me and with everybody who knows him.I just miss saying to my mom "Kirim salam Abah".I miss it when things go haywire in our family,he just need to raise his voice and  speak as if the world will bend to what he says.And now that he's gone,everything messed up.Fucked up family problem.And all I can do is to listen to my mom daily rantings,the same old things that she brought up.So when this will end?Will IB result put me at ease and put everything at ease?Will Ireland put things in a better order?Will things ever go settled again?I just don't know.

All I have is this blog to write every tiny bits of feeling I feel deep down inside.Tell me I'm fragile,tell me I'm not yet a man to deal with all these problems.But if we never try,will the time ever come?We never know unless we put our hands on it once.

And I am always amazed how song can understand what I feel when most people don't.I just need to endure this agony and grow stronger,shouldn't I?

"Currents" by Dashboard Confessional

The air is visible around you, rising up and off your lips in slow currents
And I watch as your face is framed in its slow currents
Drifting curls a trailing path
A long drag becomes a dress of blue and ash

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
And if it's gotta end then let it end in flames
Let it burn all the way down

The air is visceral around us
Turning in its simple steps on slow currents
and I watch as it pirouettes and spins in slow motion
A long drag becomes a slow dance and a halo of ember

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
And if it's gotta end then let it end in flames
Let it burn all the way down, all the way down

And if this is ever meant to end, then I hope it ends where it began
So hot with love, we burned our hands
If this is ever meant to end, then I hope it ends where it began
So hot with love, it burns our hands

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
And if it's gotta end then let it end in flames
Let it burn, let it burn
If it's gotta end let it burn
If it's gotta end let it burn
It ends where it began, so hot with love, it burns our hands